Defying Gravity Kinda Sucks


I love to cook.  I’m just saying.  Ladies?  I like cooking.  But here’s the thing, most of those things I make wind up taking me some time, and as anyone who cooks out there knows, a lot of that time is downtime.  Which means Hulu has become my best friend in the world.  45 minutes to make a salsa?  Don’t mind if I do!  There might be some 40 minutes of television out there that I have not yet seen.  And it was thus, in the spirit of exploration, curiosity, and a desire to avoid boredom, that I discovered the first two episodes of the new ABC drama, “Defying Gravity”.

So let’s go over the basic idea of the show.  It’s about 40 years in the future.  A group of eight sexy and sexually charged astronauts are on board one GIGANTIC FUCKING SPACESHIP on a six year journey, I dunno, around the solar system or something.  And there’s also some mysterious magical or maybe super AI creature or maybe alien thing that’s also on board, and only one guy knows about it, they probably won’t tell us what it is until the middle of the season and by that point, it’ll have been so built up that it’ll be bound to be disappointing.  The show’s headed by the guy that made Gray’s Anatomy, so we know what we have to look forward to: an incredible research team.  And do they show off their chops or what?

See, no matter how much money they’re willing to put into this show, all the actors are just sort of walking around.  In space.  They claim in the first episode that there’s some sort of “nano weave” in their costumes which electromagnetically holds them to the floor, and that’s just… I mean wow.  That would feel really weird.  All the time.  And they kind of just randomly forget about it all the time.  In the second episode, everyone’s just kinda walking around in their undies without floating off.  I guess it’s nano-weave underwear too.  The most expensive bras… IN THE WORLD!!!  It all sort of reminds me of my old Tintin book, “Explorers on the Moon” (sequel to “Destination Moon”) There are a few differences though.  First off, Herge was writing Tintin before we actually get to the moon.  In fact, since it comes out in 1954, “Explorers on the Moon” comes out before Sputnik.  Herge has the magnets stuff in there.  But it’s kinda fun.  They all wear magnetic boots and the rocket’s constant acceleration reproduces gravity for them for the rest of it.  I mean, it’s silly, but when you’re a kid and reading it, it kinda works.  “Defying Gravity”, however, is not made for kids.  It is made for adults.

The really dumb thing about the magnet thing, and one of the many reasons I keep harping back to it, is that there’s no agency on the planet that would actually shell out the money for all those “nano-weave” jump suits.  We figured out a while ago that lack of gravity could actually be utilized.  It’s one of the reasons astronauts don’t have to all kill each other because they’re stuck in a little room together.  They have way more room than we think about because there’s no gravity and therefore the ceiling is no different from the floor.  It’s better economics of space.  Oy.  Why do I even bother thinking about it…

Let’s find more stupid stuff.  Okay, so apparently, it’s a great scientific experiment to see what happens when you try to fertilize eggs in space.  Rabbit eggs.  Even though, you know, inside of a woman, gravity is going to be the least of the problems faced by a bunch of sperm trying to find an egg.  Great use of that 10 billion dollar space ship.

There’s a constant string of stupid shit said which is supposed to sound profound and uses scientific terminology, but is really just… really stupid.  At the end of the second episode, we hear Ron Livingston give a speech where he says, “I sometimes think the only natural selection happens in a petri dish.”  Wow.  Ron, you’ve come a long way since you used to be in good things.  Seriously, this is the most retarded thing anyone could possibly say about natural selection.  And what the hell does it mean?  Plus, as Page reminded me, they mention astrology in the first fifteen minutes of the show.

Is this where our speculative fiction is going?  Can we turn this train back in the realm of Battlestar Galactica by any chance?  I mean, we all could have complained about the whole gravity thing there too, but it was in the way distant future, they never really mentioned it, so I think we all sort of let it slide there.  Same with Star Trek.  It was part of the suspension of disbelief.  They didn’t come up with stupid bullshit to explain it, they were just like, “Um… I dunno…”, and you know what, we were okay with that.

When you can’t think of a good explanation, maybe no mention of it is better.  Oy, I can’t think about that stupid show anymore.  Though there’s a part of me that already knows I’m going to wind up watching episode three…  Lemme alone!  I’m learning to bake!


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6 Responses to “Defying Gravity Kinda Sucks”

  1. jemand Says:

    yup, googled “fucking retarded defying gravity” and found your site.

    The show is totally not sci fi, it’s a soap. A stupid one at that, too.

  2. rob Says:

    btw, the best part is that the ending is all the doogie howser life lesson stuff that they stole from SCRUBS!!! LMAOOOOOO

  3. rob Says:

    i actually googled this show sucking and found your blog. im sitting here with my wife watching and i feel like shooting a nail gun into my eyes. worst scifi EVER. i would rather watch voyager reruns any day. its really a bad late night soap. ohhh the sexual tension…ohhhhhh its not predictable AT ALL. best thing is everything is always broken on the ship. its to keep you from actually seeing SPACE.

  4. LORE Says:

    i personally love the show.
    i never really watched any sci fi and just started because of this amazing cast… and i’m actually really glad that the scine fiction part hasn’t the lead in this. i’m much more happiere that so far it’s more about relationships/friendships etc… i know this will change…
    but i do looooooooooooove the show

  5. Si Says:

    Worst sci-fi series I’ve ever had the misfortune to watch. Watched E1, E2, and got half way thru E3 before I turned it off. Can’t say I didn’t give it a fair chance, but it really is that poor – my dead cat could probably come up with something better.

  6. liam Says:

    40 years in the future and nothing’s changed — bathroom stalls, buses, bars writers who think secrets are what makes good science fiction. I like James Cameron, though.

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